In sickness and in health

I am certainly not having the time of my life and this last week has not been one of my best.  Not sure where to start, it’s just gone 5 am and I have had to get up and start my day so as not to wake up Phil.  At 4 am he told me he needed more sleep which is fair enough, trouble is when you live in a one bed flat, if one of you can’t sleep there is no where really to go.

Last Wednesday Sue picked me up and we went to the OU to meet Jan for lunch.  Sometimes in the past Jan and I have gone out for lunch to the pub but Jan only gets an hour and by the time you get there and order its almost time to get back to work.  On Wednesday we walked up to the Hub on campus for a bite to eat.  This has worked well for us before but last week it was really busy and we struggled to get a table.  It was still nice to catch up with Jan and hear all about a friends wedding that she and Steve went to in Marseille but as I said it was busy and very noisy.  After lunch we went to Dobbies because Sue wanted a few bits.  We had just enough time for a cup of tea at my flat and then I had to clean my teeth and get myself off to the dentist.

This was my third appointment of four for my deep cleansing of my pockets.  It wasn’t a good experience; my hygienist had a stinking cold and was in a foul mood.  Note to oneself, don’t book another end of the day appointment because this is the time when hygienist is just not at her best.  Once again, another 4 injections which didn’t hurt but the anaesthetic seeped down the back of my throat which seemed to numb it and made it difficult to swallow once Tina started to work on cleaning out my gums.  I will admit I am a wimp, I do have a problem with a rigid tongue and an excess of saliva and the whole appointment was traumatic.  Tina didn’t hold back, she told me my rigid tongue was killing me and that I would probably loose all of my back teeth within the next couple of years.  Do I care; no not really, I have decided I am not carrying on with this deep cleansing lark, a 50 quid a pop it’s not worth it especially as it’s not really working.  It will be cheaper and less painful to have false teeth. 

Last Thursday I picked up Sue from her house and drove her to Oxford for her follow up appointment with the professor.  Of course she could have driven herself but I didn’t think it was right for her to go by herself and parking at the hospital can be a nightmare.  The drive was grey, wet and miserable and the M40 was very busy.  Good job we went in my car because the car park was the busiest we have ever seen.  I squeezed in a spot and we just had time for a cup of tea and a look in the shop before Sue’s 3.20 appointment.  Thankfully all went well and for the first time ever, Sue was told she was cancer free.  This was indeed fabulous news and of course we had to celebrate.  The drive back from Oxford was good, I dropped off Sue and drove back to the flat and then Phil dropped me back in Newport.  Sue cooked us supper and then we got a taxi to The Cannon for the live music.  I had every intention of only staying an hour but of course the evening got messy and I got home much much later. 

I forwent the gym on Friday morning and instead, stayed home alone and cooked a shepherd’s pie. After lunch I went to visit my mum. I would like to say that the visit went well but I’m afraid it didn’t.  Since seeing my mum the week before she had had her dosage of morphine upped.  Unfortunately the dosage was too high and she was out of her head and was hallucinating.  I am not even sure she knew that I was even there.  I stayed for an hour a half but couldn’t wait to get away.

Saturday was quiet; I went to the gym in the morning for a rather pathetic workout.  My ankle from my BBQ injury is still sore and I am still limping.   The cut has healed almost but the tendons are still tender, 30 minutes on the cross trainer and a few weights is all that I have been able to manage for the last few weeks. Both my sisters came down to MK on Saturday to visit my mum, they stayed at the Doubletree hotel at the stadium and I met up with them on Saturday evening in the theatre district.  My brother-in-law Mark didn’t come down so we decided to make it a girl’s night only.  I knew Phil would have liked to come along but it’s been so long since we met up with just the three of us sisters and it was nice.  We had a couple of drinks at the Slug and Lettuce pub and then had a bite to eat at the Italian.  Of course, most of the evening was spent talking about my mum and also my dad but more about him later. It wasn’t a late night and I was home before 10pm.

Phil has been doing amazingly on his diet and I have never known him to be so disciplined.  Just shows me that he can do when he sets his mind to it.  I won’t tell you how many pounds he has shed but will leave him to share in his end of month blog.  Phil decided to relax the diet a bit last Sunday and we met Harriet and Billy for lunch at The Giffard.  We did offer to go and pick them up so Harriet could have a drink as she always drives but Harriet wasn't feeling well so she did end up driving.  Phil did have a few pints but he was good and only had a chicken salad for lunch which he said was very nice.  Afterwards we went home and watched the Grand Prix and then the X-factor.

On Monday we dropped off Phil’s car to the garage in Fenny for some repairs; I went to the gym and saw Sue in the afternoon.  Phil was back to work on Tuesday and I spent most of the day doing paperwork and catching up with domestics.  Not a terribly exciting day but one in which I achieved everything on my-to-do list.

Sue’s car got sick again and was went back in the garage so on Wednesday morning I picked her up and dropped her off at MK1 to do some shopping whilst I went to the gym.  This worked out well, I picked Sue up after my workout and she came back to the flat for a spot of lunch. Nothing much, liver casserole with mash and Brussels sprouts but it did fill a hole.  I dropped Sue back home then went to visit my mum.

My sister had called in the district nurse to lower the morphine patch so when I visited, my mum wasn’t out of her head but she was in a lot of pain.  I think she was pleased to see me but I am not certain.  It was certainly sad to see her.  I had been there for about half an hour when she asked me to pull up her knickers and put on some pyjamas.  She was naked under her dressing gown and I tell you, she looked like a refugee. I managed to pull up her damp knickers over her bandaged legs and get on her pyjamas but it wasn’t easy.  Before leaving I got her some fags from the corner shop and manoeuvred her into her reclining chair.  

I am not sure if I have done the right thing in seeing my mum again after so many years.  It upsets my soul and I think I would have much preferred to remember her how she was.  Too late for that now, as much as these visits upset me, I must be there to help my sister.  After all she lives 120 miles away and I am literally on the door step.  I do not think my mum has long for this world and I hope for her sake she hasn’t. But she is a stubborn mare and I think she will cling on to her life to the very end.  I hope I am wrong.

Wednesday was indeed a bad day; I left my mum’s sheltered housing flat around 3.30 pm which was just around the time that my sister was taking my dad for his hospital appointment to get his test results.  Julia had taken my (real) dad for a scan a couple of weeks ago and they found a mass in his throat.  Now my sister is a qualified nurse and suspected oesophageal cancer and a phone call from her on Wednesday evening confirmed this.  The prognosis was worse than expected; dad has been given 6 months to live.  He can’t have surgery, chemotherapy or radiotherapy because of his physical condition. Next week he will have a stent so that he can eat and drink but other than that he will only receive palliative care.  So there you go, it looks like I will loose both my parents maybe before the year is out.  How do I feel?? Well I am not sure.  They have been crap parents and to be honest, I just wish them a pain free and an easy passing.  I worry most for my sister and must do whatever I can to help her.  Its funny, I say I feel nothing for my mum and dad but I sit here typing with tears streaming down my face.  I guess that means I must feel something but I am not sure quite what. Sorry for what wasn’t, sorry for what could have been, sad that I soon will be an orphan or just pain to see human suffering?

Yesterday I went down to see mum in Melton; I felt guilty because I didn’t go down last week.  The journey wasn’t too bad and I got to the bungalow about 9am after leaving at half seven.  I took mum to Morrisons and then for an 11am appointment with the doctor.  She had a prolapsed womb which is making her back pain worse so I insisted that she go and get checked out.  The appointment was a waste of time.  Mum had made it with the junior doctor who knew nothing about treatments for a prolapse; in the end I made an appointment with a proper doctor and will take mum next Thursday.

I am well aware that in this posting I am all doom and gloom and I am sorry but that’s just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes and you gotta take the rough with the smooth.  Bring on smooth is all that I can say!  But it’s all not bad news.  Phil is loosing weight like there is no tomorrow and I can already picture him looking slim and trim in his D&J when we go on her med cruise in December.  Also, he went to the doctors for his test results on Monday and his PSA result was 0.6 which is brilliant news.  Three low PSA results in a row certainly indicate that his radiotherapy worked.  Unfortunately Phil’s other results, blood sugar, cholesterol and BP were higher than he would have liked but I am confident that this will all come down with the weight loss.  Phil is certainly climbing his mountain but climbing mountains is never easy and it all takes time.  As long as he keeps on climbing and doesn’t turn back, well that is the main thing.  I guess we all have our mountains to climb.