A roller coaster of emotions

Where oh where to start?  This week I have felt like I have been on a roller-coaster ride; if you thought I was all doom and gloom in my last posting, then do not read on because this week has been much much worse.

It all started off last Friday; the day started off okay.  I went to the gym, saw Susie Sue and then after lunch back at the flat, I went to visit my mum.  When I arrived my mum was slumped in her reclining hair chair.  She was dressed in a onesie and reminded me of a tele-tubbie.  Mum’s speech wasn’t very clear and I managed to obtain that she’d had a fall at 5am that morning and wasn’t found until the carer went in at 9 am.  Why oh why she didn’t press the emergency button I couldn’t fathom. I hadn’t been there very long when step-dad number 3 turned up (aka Bob-the-slob).  I hadn’t seen him in nearly 20 years and my instinct was to flee but I just couldn’t leave mum in the state she was in.  Bob the slob had only been there 5 minutes when my youngest brother Nick came in; in one way it was nice to see him after so long but it was all a bit weird and very awkward.

Mum said she needed the bathroom and as we were lifting her out of her chair and into the wheelchair she said it was too late.  I manage to wheel her into the bathroom and onto the toilet.  It wasn’t pleasant peeling off the onesie especially as she was in so much pain but I managed to get her cleaned up.  I gave her a wash at the sink and got her into a clean nightie and onto the sofa.  Bob the slob got Janice, a neighbour and friend and between us we decided to pull the emergency cord for the paramedics. Before they arrived I managed to get a morphine patch on mum and Janice and I packed a bag for the hospital.

To be fair, the rapid response team didn’t take long to arrive; at first they were adamant that a hospital bed wasn’t the solution but after taking vital obs they soon changed their minds.  They called an ambulance and then put mum on an oxygen bottle.  I did have to laugh myself because my mum insisted on having a fag before they hooked her up. Mike, my mum’s friend of 27 year helped put things into the hospital bag.  My mum’s sugar levels were low so the paramedic insisted that she ate something before she went in the ambulance.  Janice fed her a small bowl of apple crumble and custard and then mum was wheeled into the ambulance.   Mike went to the hospital and then we all went our separate ways.

I went to Sue’s as I promised to pop in on the way home; I took my mums soiled clothes in a bag and Sue, bless her, insisted on scrubbing them by hand before putting in her washing machine.  She is such a good friend to me and I am so glad she is in my life.  I got home just before five and was undecided whether or not to go to A&E.  In hindsight I wished I had of done.  Mike phoned later and said that my mum didn’t get a bed until 9pm; he also promised me he would phone in the morning.  I’d phoned my sisters who had already planned to come to visit mum on the Saturday.  I got the call from Mike about half eight to say that it was not good news and to come straight away to the hospital.  I drove in to the car park just as my sisters were going to the main entrance.  We had a few brief words and I said I’d meet them on the ward.

Unfortunately we got there too late; mum died 5 minutes before we got there.  I saw my mum dead in the bed and it was an image I don’t think I will ever forget.  Poor Julia was in bits and I don’t know whether it was seeing her upset or the fact that my mum had passed, both I guess and I was fairly tearful.  I didn’t expect to be upset and the emotion took me by surprise.  Louise and I waited in the corridor and left Mike and Julia with mum.  I phoned Phil & Sue and Lou phoned Mark.  Bob the slob and Nick were at the hospital and we all went in separate cars back to mum’s flat.

Janice, mum’s friend and neighbour and to be told and she was very upset.  She came in to my mum’s flat and we hit the wine even though it was only 11 o clock in the morning. My mum would have approved and if she was looking down from above, she would have probably loved to join the party.  I phoned Harriet and she came round to see her aunts and actually ended up driving me home.  I admit I was in a bad way and Phil ended up taking me to see Sue which helped.  We got back to the flat and I promptly fell asleep on the sofa.  It felt like it had been a very long day.

On Sunday we went round to Sue’s for lunch; I felt pretty crap but I think Sue and her new BF, Ian, felt even worse.  They’d been out the night before and hadn’t got to bed until 2.30 pm.  I don’t know how Sue managed to cook lunch with her hangover but she did and very nice it was too; roast lamb which is my absolute favourite.  We didn’t intend to overstay our welcome but we did and it was 7pm by the time we got back to the flat.

My sister Julia drove down from Suffolk to sort out my mum’s flat.  She stayed with Mike because with only the one bedroom we couldn’t put her up. I met her and Mike at mum’s flat at lunchtime.  They’d already started empty cupboards and it was chaos.  Janice was there and basically we ended up putting much of mum’s stuff in Janice’s flat.   We put a lot of stuff for MacMillan in the main function room at the Sheltered Housing where mum lived which helped.  It was all a little overwhelming and even though we worded solidly for 4 hours I didn’t feel that we even touched the surface.  I felt a bit weird and a little uncomfortable sorting through my mum’s personal stuff but I had to help Julia.  At the end of the day I took home the paperwork to sort and Mike & Julia took all the photographs.

I felt really drained on Monday evening but I had to sort mum’s paperwork.  At the end of the evening I discovered that my mum had no money, in fact she owed money to everyone but worse still, she had no funeral plan or insurance.  She had taken out an over 50 life plan in 2010 but she cancelled this in January of this year.  This was not good news.

I was up early on Tuesday and went round to Mike’s house at half seven having phoned Julia to check if she was up; she was and made me a very nice bacon sandwich.  Mike was still asleep so we drove in my car to Mum’s flat.  Julia was not very pleased when I told her mum had nothing in her estate especially as Mum had told her repeatedly over the years that she had it all sorted.

Mike & Janice joined us at the flat and we filled lots of black sacks, about 30 in total, I have never known anyone have so much crap.  Janice decided that she wanted mum’s sofa, her units and her bed so I phoned Phil and he helped Mike take them into Janice’s flat.  I promised to pick up Sue and her friend Carol and drop them off at the coach station so I left at midday, dropped off a load of clothes at the charity shops in Newport and then picked up Sue.  I felt sorry for Sue because she had been really looking forward to her trip to Paris but had woken up on Tuesday morning after a crap night’s sleep with a stinking cold.

Afterwards I went back to the flat, Mike filled his car up with stuff, Phil filled his car up with stuff and Julia and I filled my car with stuff for the charity shop.  We finished about 3pm and ended up having something to eat in The Dolphin in Newport because we hadn’t had any lunch.  I got back to the flat about 4pm which gave me an hour to phone around some funeral directors.  Phil had kindly done some research so this helped but I didn’t get on too well, having to leave several messages for directors to call me back.  In the evening I picked up Julia from Mikes and brought her back to the flat.  Phil was out so we had some wine and some cheese and biscuits and talked about the past.

Julia picked me up on Wednesday morning and our first stop was a full fry up in Tesco’s in Bletchley.  I always need junk food when I’m stressed and this worked a treat.  Next stop was the Next clearance shop where both me and Ju found a funeral outfit.  We then drove to Mum’s flat to do a spot of cleaning.  Mike was already there clearing out the outside cupboards.  We pretty much had finished cleaning so we left the keys with Janice and went back to my flat to do some phoning.  Luckily I found a funeral director who could do a funeral for under 2 grand.  With all the phoning around I couldn’t believe how much the cost of funerals differs.  Believe me you really do have to do your research.  We are using Bedfordshire Funeral Services; I can’t tell you yet if they are any good until after the service.

The hour at back at the flat was time well spent and we arrived at the registry office in Bletchley to register mum’s death a little early.  Mike was supposed to be meeting us there but he got lost. We had all the information to register the death but we did have a sticky moment.  My mum had been married 5 times and at the time of her death she was still married to Rocket Ron the Schizophrenic which legally makes him her next of kin.  Julia and me lied and said that to the best of our knowledge that she was divorced.  Mike did eventually turn up, better late than never I guess and we were all done and dusted by half two.  Just time to get back to Mike’s house and have an hour of funeral planning before John the funeral director turned up.

It’s hard when somebody dies without leaving a plan of their final wishes so I very much feel like we are winging my mum’s service.  Mike choose the music for the entrance, I chose the hymn and both Julia and I chose Frank Sinatra’s ‘My Way’ for the exit which we both thought was very fitting.  Mike is writing the eulogy and I have volunteered to stand up and recite a poem. 

After the funeral director left, we had homemade curry from Julia’s freezer and rice that I had brought from home.  It was delicious and lined the stomach for all the wine that we consumed later that evening. I really do need to detox but in reality this is not going to happen until after the funeral which will be held at the crematorium on Friday the 25^th at 3.30 pm.

Julia sorted out all the photographs and had a bag for me, Simon and Nick.  She invited Nick and his wife Sonia round with their kids and they turned up at 7pm.  My brother Nick is very shy and was quite hard work but his wife Sonia is lovely and my nieces Sarah and Sofia are adorable. I am not certain as to whether they will remain in my life after the funeral but I can decide on that later.  We had a nice evening just a shame that it was such a late one.  Especially as I had to be up early to drive to Melton to see Phil’s mum the following morning.

I really didn’t feel like a trip to Melton but I dragged my weary bones out of bed and I was on the road by 7.30 am. The traffic was heavy but I drove on auto pilot and got to the bungalow just after 9 am.  Just time to gulp a cup of tea and get mum to the doctors for her appointment.  Bett had been diagnosed with a prolapse womb 10 years ago and mentioned to me a couple of weeks ago that she thought this was why her lower back pain had got worse. I went on the net and found this to be the case; I also found out that having a ring inserted could help.

Poor Bett gets very nervous when she visits the doctors so I had to do all the speaking.  Fortunately the lady GP was very good and after half an hour later she’d found the right size ring and popped it in.  I did have a chuckle to myself when she told mum that she’d have take it out when she had sex!  On a more serious note, it can’t have been very pleasant and Bett was very brave.  Afterwards I took her to Tesco, filled up with petrol and then went back for lunch.  We had our usual salmon, boiled potatoes and peas which is nice and easy.   I left Melton at 2pm, mum had no jobs for me to do and I was knackered and just wanted to get home.  I did make a start on my mum’s paperwork but I managed an hour and then gave up. I was brain dead.

My real dad had his stent put in on Thursday; Julia went straight to the hospital when she got back to Suffolk.  She told me that the op went well but that he was very confused.  Julia said she had spoken to Simon who said that he was coming to the funeral.  Simon is the wayward one of the family, he went to prison for stabbing my mum and the last time my mum saw Simon, he pawned all of her jewellery then disappeared to Gloucester.  What Julia didn’t tell me was that she gave Simon my mobile, so his phone call later that night took me by surprise.  I never got on well with Simon and sure enough we fell out on the phone. 

I got up early yesterday morning with every intention of writing a posting for the blog but I got stuck in to phone calls and letters for my mum’s estate.  Once started I was on a mission to finish.  I phoned every one that I needed to contact and wrote letters enclosing death certificates.  After a shower I went to the Halifax to sort my mum’s credit card and current account.  She owes them thousands and they told me they would try and recover the money from me. I told them no chance but later down the line I suppose that I will have to prove that there is no money in the post.

After Halifax, my next stop was Barclays in Newport.  I saw the manager and he was very helpful.  Mum had sixty quid in her account which they transferred this to my account.  Not that it really goes anyway towards the £2k funeral cost but I suppose every little helps.  I’d arranged to see Mike and together we sorted out the photographs for the visual tribute and also photographs for the montage boards.  We also wrote the obituary for the newspaper.

There has been no time for domestics this week and so last night I did 2 hours of ironing.  I also scanned in 50 odd photographs which took me over 3 hours.  I had just sat down to watch some telly when my mobile went; it was my sister to say that my dad was really unwell and they had just called out the rapid response team.  An ambulance came and dad was admitted to A&E.  I feel for poor Julia, she must be physically and mentally knackered.  I know I feel shit but she’s had it much worse.  And poor dad.  I phoned Julia this morning and dad has a chest infection, an irregular heartbeat; he had low blood sugar levels and was very dehydrated.  I will get mum’s funeral out of the way and then I will make plans to go down to Suffolk to see my dad.  When will all shit end?